The girl in the turquoise jumper was second in the bookshop queue when I first saw her. She was standing somewhat awkwardly, with her head turned away at an uncomfortable angle and the heel of one foot slightly raised, holding the bend of her knee inwards against her other leg, like a small child desperate to use the lavatory. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, clutching a slim paperback book close to her body as if it was the dearest thing in the world.

I wanted to know that book.

As I stared at her from my place at the back of the queue, trying to make out the title of the book, the girl in the turquoise jumper turned her head and caught my eye, and I looked away in embarrassment.

Was she beautiful?

Perhaps, perhaps not. But she was more than beautiful to me; she was utterly captivating. And I knew, even then, that I'd never forget her. Her bewilderment was beguiling. It was borne from an air of melancholy, a siren song to me. I was drawn to her fright; the natural fright of an animal in a strange place. I sensed in her a lack of confidence equal to my own. Not so much a lack of confidence in herself, but in the sanity and purpose of everything around her, as if she couldn't understand what it was all about, what it was all for, what it was. It was if she thought that at any moment the skies would suddenly boom and crash and the world would fall and we'd all stop pretending, stop playing our endless games of civility, and revert to our true animal selves. She could see the circle finally spinning out of control. Chaos: she could see it, she could smell the bones and blood beneath skin, and it haunted her.

I could have been mistaken, of course. I could have been guilty of transferring my own fears and inadequacies to her in order to find myself a kindred spirit. For all I knew, she could have been a supremely confident person. She could have been fine and resolute and dauntless, perfectly content with her place in the world. But I didn't think so.

Or, at least, I didn't want to think so.

And that's why I needed to know her book.

Her book would tell me who she was.

As the queue shuffled forward, I raised my eyes and looked over again at the girl in the turquoise jumper.

..

Your first date went pretty well, but it was a little extravagant for your taste. The date picked a restaurant that cost you nearly £100 (including overly-expensive wine). But you think, It’s not a problem, they were just trying to impress me. The next date, though, they proposes that you both go to the theatre, letting you know when you arrive on the night that the ticket is £90, which you give them at dinner, plus another £100 for that meal. Now, even though the they are fit, the financial commitment is getting uncomfortable. Even if you’re doing pretty well for yourself, you probably don’t like hemorrhaging cash this way. So you may wonder... should I see how long I can keep up with them? Or should I end things now, before the credit-card debt piles up?

A closer look at money & dating
“The issue of spending a lot of money on dates really touches on the essential values that people have regarding finances, “Some people see money as the only way to express love, interest and fun,” says Rik Isensee, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco, California. But he also cautions that you should wait two dates to make sure this is an actual recurring problem, not just a well-meant gesture. “At first, your date might be wanting to do lofty things just to impress you,” he says, “so don’t automatically take it as something that’s meant to alienate you. It might just be their way of wanting to celebrate their newfound interest in you. It’s normal for someone to go a little over-the-top on the first date.” However, says Isensee, “if the big spending goes on longer than the first couple of dates, and you’re uncomfortable, you’ve got to speak up, otherwise you’ll build resentment toward the other person.”

How to have the money talk
If you feel you have to bring up the impact that dating this person is having on your finances, Isensee recommends that you be positive about it, to avoid coming off as unnecessarily confrontational. “Sit down with the person,” says Isensee, “and start out by saying, ‘We’ve done some fabulous stuff on our first couple of dates. I love expensive dinners as much as the next person. But I’d like to spend a little less in the future - so how about a nice long walk next time, followed by a dinner at a fun place that’s a little more moderately-priced?’ Offer a concrete, solid option like that.”

If you speak honestly like this, your date might respond with relief: Charles, 34, a waiter in Brighton, says, “It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’ve gone into a little credit-card debt, spending too much money on the first few dates with girls. I think I’m trying to show I’m successful, that spending £80 on dinner isn’t a problem for me. I’d be so relieved if a girl told me up front, ‘Let’s not spend a lot of money on a date.’ I’d put my bowling shoes on and have a lot more fun.” Suggesting this compromise shows that you’re open to nice things, but just don’t want to spend half your salary.

Understanding how your date reacts
How your date responds to this discussion is critical. Unfortunately, this part didn’t go so well for Laura, 37, a merchandising executive who lives in London “I recently got into a situation where I started dating someone I liked, but he wanted to go out and spend hundreds of pounds on every date, from theatre tickets to dinners and so forth,” she says. “He didn’t pay for me — nor did I want him to — I have a good income. I just don’t believe in spending so much money on a date. So I told him how I felt, and to my shock, he said I was boring, and he wasn’t interested in someone who doesn’t enjoy the finer things. I was hurt, but at least I knew where things stood!”

As surprised as Laura was, though, her honest way of handling the situation saved her early on from a major mismatch. “Heavy spending isn’t necessarily the huge problem,” says Isensee. “If you confront your date about it, they could very well see your point, admit they were just trying to be impressive, and strike a compromise. But if they reacts negatively or defensively, or judge you, that’s a huge problem, a sign that you should probably break things off. Because at that point, they’re not respecting your feelings on the subject. And it’s your money, you make decisions about it.”

The good news is that, if you bring up the money question and your date responds respectfully and agreeably, you’re well on your way to smoother dating: “If you’ve agreed to a general price range and have similar interests, you’re set up to have lots of fun,” says Isensee. “If there’s a connection and passion, you don’t have to spend a lot to enjoy yourself.”

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